Saturday 28 February 2009

Geoff

Character homework from a couple of weeks ago... I didn't get a chance to read it out.

Geoff

Stomp, stomp, stomp. I knew even before he sat down he was in a bad mood. His footsteps shook the metal filing cabinets and sent frothy, ripples across the day-old cups of instant coffee littering the desks. His breathing was heavy and interspersed with dry, rasping coughs. I didn’t dare turn my head as he passed in a cloud of stale sweat.

Thud. His brown satchel stuffed with newspapers and unpaid bills landed on the worn carpet by his chair. I risked a quick glance: his podgy, red face was covered with beads of perspiration and the veins on his neck were rigid and taut. He looked like a pit bull terrier tied to fence – full of violence but somehow impotent and just a little sad.

Are you okay Geoff? He rubbed his sore, sleepless eyes and made to switch on his monitor. Fine, absolutely fine. I fell silent and started taping away at my keyboard.

Click. His screen turned blue, illuminating his features. His cheap glasses rested comfortably on his broad nose and his unshaven chin was dotted with blobs of dried toothpaste.

He noticed me looking at him and frowned. This thing never works, I’m locked out of the buggering server again. Mine seems to be working, I said lowing my gaze.

He bent over and pulled a squashed bacon and egg croissant from his bag. Without looking I knew he was tearing it to pieces, spraying flakes of buttery pastry all over the desk.

The next part of his morning ritual was even worse. I grimaced as he licked each finger, wiped his hands on his black jeans and ran them through his thinning, black hair.

Feeling better now, I asked. Just dandy, just dandy, he replied.

1 comment:

  1. Wow this is great Tom! I really enjoyed it. I love the use of sound: 'stomp, stomp, stomp, click, thud. It also feels like a finished piece; it gives me a grand glimpse into Geoff. His character is sketched in a very powerful way (I can see him, and kind of almost know him based on your descriptions). Expressions like: 'pit bull terrier tied to fence – full of violence but somehow impotent and just a little sad'.

    I almost wanted to hear about the grease stained paper bag that held the croissant.

    The ending was also very powerful - dandy.

    However when it comes to the dialogue I would add quotation mark and spacing to make it stand out from the descriptive text and make it less confusing.

    Great piece!

    Pia

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